20 5 / 2012
"the radio station is telling me to call now to win free concert tickets but I’m going to wait 3 days so I won’t look desperate."
04 5 / 2012
"How does a penguin’s soul get to heaven? Does it get angel wings or use it’s own? This is a legitimate scientific question I’m asking."
30 4 / 2012
"Kobe beef is overrated. Try Mette World Peace beef. Having Ron Artest elbowing the cow to death makes the meat particularly tender."
30 4 / 2012
"The best way to tell if a suit looks good on you is to try it on inside a coffin."
27 4 / 2012
"What makes kobe beef so desirable is how the cattle is forced to perform seppuku."
26 4 / 2012
"Saudi Arabia needs to stop their practice of stoning women. There are other ways to show girls that you have a crush on them."
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26 4 / 2012
"You know what they say about guys with big hands right? Greater high-five complete rates. That’s important to women for when they’re congratulating their guy for having a big dick."
08 4 / 2012
"I don’t normally celebrate Easter, but this year I got into the holiday spirit by decorating balut eggs."
05 4 / 2012
"My friend is awful at pulling pranks. She calls me up on April 1st, telling me that she just got accepted into grad school and is moving to Miami in a month. I was like, “you don’t have the grades to get into grad school"
15 3 / 2012
"Everyone is a hipster to the hearing impaired. “I listen to music, you probably haven’t heard about."
13 3 / 2012
"I had a dream about an owl last night. I think it was my self conscious telling me I need to start hooting at pretty girls."
10 3 / 2012
"Why does every girl who thinks she’s a princess acts like a bitch? Fathers need to stop telling their daughters these princess fairy tales. This is America, we fought a war to throw out the monarchy. If I ever have a little girl, I’m going to tell her stories of a woman who was so kind and worked so hard, she became President of the United States. Because if I’m going to tell my daughter fairy tales, it’s going to be an American fairy tale!"
09 3 / 2012
"It upsets me that we spend more on prisons than we do on schools. I have a solution to save some money: have all the women on death row cook their own last meals."
